Thanks for the compliments. Yeah, I have been doing lots of knitting lately. Its mostly an avoidance technique. Avoidance of any real work, that is. For me, doing the dishes, taking the dogs for walks, watching Live with Regis and Kelly, going thrifting, and cleaning all fall under the avoidance techniques also. I've been working weird hours at the coffee shop this week because Pete is out all week due to some surgery he had. I work from like eleven until three every day. Its messed everything up. How could that schedule allow me to get any real work done? - I guess i will just knit instead.... So I have been working on another sweater - one of the pullovers from Weekend Knitting. I photocopied the pattern from the library when I was home. Its grey yarn. I'm not too far yet, but I'll keep you posted. The front panel of Bill's quilt is done & now all I need to do is get the batting and the backing and put it all together! I'm excited & I think it is going to look really nice. I am also trying to make one of those cute bags from the coat that Iris made. I'm not sure how it will turn out. I couldn't find any military jackets, so I just got a woman's old wool jacket. Its not quite as thick, I don't think.
So, I was talking about the coffee shop earlier. I am having problems. One of my co-workers is out to get me, spreading nasty rumors and telling on me. Yes, a 25 year old tattle tale. But, of course she is sweet as pie to my face. It think that's what they call southern hospitality... Anyway, I thought she was my friend, but apparently I thought wrong. I have been fretting over it. But I don't want to fret because it isn't worth my time. But the more I fret, the more I get mad for fretting, and the cycle goes on. I don't know how to deal with it because we are pseudo-friends and she doesn't know that I know all the stuff she said and I don't want a confrontation or anything, but how can I act all nicey-nicey around her? And she's in the knitting club too. I HATE this kind of crap. I was soooo over this kind of drama around 1992, so why should I have to deal with it now? Of all the personality quirks and traits out there, I think fakey-ness is the most evil to me. Why can't people just be genuine, who they are... I am much more likely to respect someone if they are genuine -even if I don't really care for their personality- than if they are nice, but its fake. Which, I believe, brings up a whole nother ball of wax - self confidence. Why is it so hard to find women our age that have self confidence? Why is it that so many people I meet are so lacking in self confidence? Do you notice that with people you meet? I mean, yeah, every now and then I have bouts where I'm not that fond of myself, but for the most part, I am happy with who I am. It almost scares me to have children, because I don't want to raise kids that have such self-esteem issues. And the rest of the world doesn't help. I was watching Oprah yesterday (another great avoidance technique) and the whole show was focused around 'older' women (around 40-70 years old) who looked much younger & what their secrets for youthfulness were. Well, most of them said that they were truly happy, they did things that they loved and were passionate about, they ate well, and exerciesed etc. But they really focused on the part where they did what they loved and found things that they were passionate about. Well, hell, I could have told you that and I'm only 28 years old! I think that when we are young, in our 20's, we have so much to look forward to, so much to dream about for our future, but then as we get older, somehow we lose that passion for life and that's what drags us down... And I think that is what the fear of getting old really is. As I am approaching 30 (God, it is scary to even say that outloud), I think that the fear is that I will turn unhappy, that I won't be 'cool' anymore, although, I don't even know what that means. That I won't meet anymore amazing people to energize my life (major concern, especially considering my track record since moving to Alabama), that my career won't excite me, that my lofty, yarn filled dreams (and others) won't be fulfilled. Or maybe I'm just worried about getting a big butt and all my hair turning grey. Its hard to say on days like these.
I must get to bed. I'm thinking too much. Love you. Can't wait to see you in a Month!? Yes?
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Do I meet people lacking in self confidence? uh, have I told ya about Vick?
I think that life is so much more pleasant when you're around people that don't have that problem. So much drama is rooted in low-self-confidence that if everyone would just not worry so much about themselves, things could be much simpler! You and I are lucky to have that trait, and i think it comes from Mom and Dad just not really caring what anyone else thinks.
I think also it comes with age... I mean I always have felt confident in myself, but I've become a lot more confident around other people in the past couple years. And that comes from having the guts to do things that might not be in the "designer mold". I mean, going to Australia or Mauritius, even just changing my major halfway through when it would have been a lot easier to just get it over with (a hell of a lot less calculus and physics at least)... But I was sure enough of myself to go do it, and by going and doing it, I gained a lot more experience and the confidence just reinforces itself.
It seems like the theme here lately with people (outside geology at least) is, "I'm going to school for *blank*. I don't really like it but I only have a year left so I'll just finish and figure it out later. Gee, I wish I could do something else/take some time to figure out what I wanna do." Its so sad to me...
I think some people think there's some sort of mold they must fill and that's who they have to be for their entire life, so they never just do things on a whim or take risks, so their confidence never has a chance to be reinforced... whether its traveling or trying new classes or doing something new or whatever. They just focus that lack of confidence on themself, and then on others in the form of drama. Its like the difference between seeing the big picture and the just stupid little stuff. Like, people will just pick the stupid little things to obsess about because I don't have the confidence in myself to tackle the big picture. (that's like the definition of Vicki)
But you know, I was talking to mom about it the other day, and it seems like in our family I'm the one who DOES obsess about the little stuff the most, but out of everyone I associate with here, its the opposite, I'm the one telling everyone to chill out and take a breath and look around for once. Hmmm. Maybe I have just grown into this role more and more, because of first my family, and then Laura, basically the one high school friend I still see every time I go home, is like THE single most laid back, I-don't-care-what-you-think-of-me, don't sweat the small stuff type person ever, and then the whole Mauritius experience just forced me to stop worrying because of just the complete lack of structure and support whatsoever all you COULD do was just make the best of it and hope things worked out....
Anyway, I am in a really good place right now in my life, and I do blame it on the fact that I took some risks, did some new stuff, and now I KNOW that I'm doing the right thing. I never hated my Environmental Ed classes, but I haven't really been or content for any period of time here in Mps til now. You always think, I'll never let myself do something that I don't like, or I'll always follow my dreams. But not until I actually feel like I'm content did I realize how easy it would have been to just float along with no real direction forever, not unhappy, but not happy.... and not until I joined up with the geo department do i realize how much I really DIDN'T like the school I was in before-- the people, the classes, the major, everything!
So, what I'm trying to say is, I think some people haven't developed the confidence to take the risks they need to take to figure out how they need to live their life to satisfy them. So, they focus on the stupid little stuff and never look at the big picture, and when you focus on the stupid little stuff of course you're going to go crazy.
Then we have to deal with them which is super stressful and that's what I had to deal with last semester living with Vick...And I hate to say it but, I never want to live with her again. She stresses me out. I felt like I went blind to everything important last semester living with her. I was going crazy the last week of school...(maybe you noticed) I'm stressing out just thinking about it.
I don't know how to deal with it. I guess that's the way it'll always be. Hopefully Vicki will gain self confidence in Australia, but she didn't get confidence from her family like we did, so I think she'll never stop stressing completely. All I can say is I'm damn thankful I'm who I am....
and i think that, is the essense of confidence in itself, so there ya go.
the (finally) end.
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